Last Goodbye

It was like I knew, that my days were limited; the days I had left to live. I had begun an Instagram account where I posted all the fleeting moments I felt alive or happy, almost like I knew some people would need it more than most when my absence felt too terrible. To see my smile and feel the happiness I’ve felt, to know that I have not lived in pain, but have enjoyed every living moment. But if I really knew I was going to go away this quickly, I would have done some things differently. All the people who know me know that I’m someone who tends not to regret the decisions I’ve made, the mistakes I’ve made and the life I’ve lived because it had brought me to where I was at the moment. But only if I knew, I know I would have been braver about some things than others. Like being honest about my affection for certain people. Now they won’t know, and I’d be gone before I could let them know.

I still remember that day, vividly painted behind my eyelids. I see you leaving, with your hand carrying a bag full of books, a scene so unbearably beautiful because you were leaving to chase your dreams and so heartbreakingly sad because it’s another goodbye left unsaid, because we both can’t handle it. And I wait, as I watch you move away meter by meter, still reachable but would not be any more after a few hours. Is it the tragedy that runs in my blood that has me rooted? or was it my bleeding-heart unwilling to let go? I wait as I usually do, a habit of mine that I cannot seem to shake, to witness a very last glance, to embroider everything till the very last moment in my head.

And you turn, as if you felt me waiting and I remember how I felt my heart squeeze painfully. A small smile overtook your face as your eyes focused on me. It was just a few seconds where our eyes met, but I felt it stretch for hours. Then it was gone just like that, the moment broken between you turning away and I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes, like always when you leave. I took an unconscious step forward, the very fibers of my being hating the distance between us but then I clenched my teeth to reign in the urge, not wanting to sway you.

But you turned around again, as if you were also reluctant to part, like you felt something final in that moment and I forced myself to smile and not look as bad as I felt. But there was something else in your eyes. Was it tears? I could not decipher clearly; you were too far away. It’s like maybe you knew it in your bones too, that something was different this time. But your hesitancy, it did not last long because you came running; running towards me. And I realized at that moment that you had always been braver than me, truer to your feelings than I had ever been. I could not have taken more than a step before you crashed onto me in a fierce hug, clinging on to me tightly, and I felt the tears I reigned in fall, a sob torn from my chest. I circled my shaking hands around you.

- One last hug.

“Isn’t it ironic” you whispered; voice thick with emotions. “The distance had never been a problem between us, but now that it has come to that point where we have to go our different pathways, I’m scared to let go?"

I wish I could have held you tighter, and smiled at you brighter then. Did you know I’ve never said “I love you” to you out loud? But it doesn’t matter because words never mattered between us. But if only I knew it’d be the last time, I would have screamed it from the top of my lungs so it would stay carved in your heart forever. I wish we had more time, because I know you’d be in pieces when I’m not here, too heartbroken. But I know you will live on, with my name between your lips, carrying me everywhere you go.

They say that you relive every moment of your life in your last moments, I guess I know that is true now. But even like that, most of my memories were happy because you were there in every living breathing moment, even though I didn’t know the meaning of happiness. I always lived like that, tangled between my thoughts and contradictions, trying to define things that left me confused. Do you think this was my first life? Or did u ever feel like I knew stuff beyond my years? I’ve felt both ways. They say it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply and I’ve lived by that all my life. At least I’ve felt everything I needed in the limited days that I got than most. Maybe that’s why I was like how I was; extremely sad sometimes, extremely joyous, or extremely angry sometimes.

My dearest,

Let us meet again in our next lives, sisters like this again, but let us have more time to live because one lifetime will never be enough with you.