Realisations

It takes a certain type of madness to realise that the world is not so black or white as we once saw when we were children but intricate shades of grey. It’s not about heroes or villains but deciding to move on to what truly matters. That the “villain ” will be a villain as long as the story is told from the hero’s point of view. With that dawned the ultimate realization of the greyness of the world that used to be covered by tinted glasses of young naiveness, shattering all the illusions of youth. I realized that’s the tragedy of living but does that mean we shouldn’t grow up? Does surviving to exist mean we have to bear the trauma of living?

Everything and everyone that I once deemed perfect, revealed they were a little broken in their own ways; smiles slightly crooked, gazes a little dazed and the sobs muffled but not entirely, in the ringing silences amidst the clamor of existence. Those slight imperfections and vulnerabilities that once were ignored began to surface with alarming intensity, numbing all other sensations of adulthood. It's the poignant change of perspective from childhood innocence to a nuanced understanding of the world that left me a little haunted. To realize the once cheerful, innocent gazes have gone cold somewhere along the ride, hidden behind a thousand facades.

You may wonder if I’m just overthinking or being over dramatic to believe that not every smile is true, every beginning an echo of an ending, every “forever”  merely rhetoric, and every promise destined to break. But am I wrong? How often have you faked a smile in front of your loved ones to appear not upset? Or how many promises have you truly kept? How many of you have truly found happy endings in your own lives? I realized that usually, our perception of love or affection differs from what was actually received or given, and that difference can create feelings of confusion which may lead to misunderstandings that occur in most relationships. In the end, because of the lack of understanding of human nature, we learn to live with what we’ve earned and to cope with what was not meant to be.

I realized we all harbor a little loneliness in our hearts, hidden behind the smiles that we freely giveaway, in a chamber firmly locked and secured away, even amongst friends, family, or loved ones. Nobody really understands one, as one does themself, and that some may come close but never close enough. I realized that is the unparalleled truth reflecting the inherent solitude every one of us experiences as complex human beings.

Then there are people like you and I who feel loneliness rattle deep inside our bones like there’s tragedy running in our veins. Why else would one love sad songs on happy days? What is even “Happiness ”? Have you ever felt like that? like being sad just because? Maybe it’s because of the mood that sets in because of the weather or maybe there’s no apparent reason at all. It’s like we’re attracted to melancholy like a moth to a flame, maybe because sometimes it’s better to at least feel sadness than not to feel anything at all. The whole question here is: was I raised without love? Or was I born unlovable?

I realized after much thought and contemplation that the search for understanding human nature and self-discovery is ongoing and a long process and different to each and every one of us, and it's okay to not have all the answers right away. Because some questions may not have clear answers and some may have none at all. It’s this uniqueness or the differences from one to another that makes this world fascinating, and within this struggle to perceive each other lies the potential for self-growth and a richer understanding of the world.