The One I Never Had

They say you never forget your first love. I used to think that was just something people said to romanticise pain, until I found myself, on a random night like this, thinking about you again.

It’s been years. I’ve healed, I’ve let you go. Or at least I thought I did. But some nights, like this one, the memories come flooding in, soft, sharp, inescapable. Maybe it’s your wedding date marked on a distant calendar. Maybe it’s the thought of you, standing at the altar with someone who’s not me, looking like a dream fulfilled. Maybe it’s the ache of knowing you’ve found your match made in heaven while I’m still here, stuck in a world of maybes and what-ifs.

Perhaps that’s my destiny, to love those I can’t have, to give my heart where it was never meant to stay, to love and then let go, over and over. Because here I am, once more, caught in the same cycle, loving someone I was never meant to have.

I’ve always known. In this life, in any life, even in the most far-fetched alternate universe, we were never meant to be. I wouldn't be the one waiting for you at the end of the aisle. But that never stopped me from dreaming of it, of you turning, smiling, reaching for my hand. It was never real, but it was mine.

Still, I promise that on your wedding day, I’ll smile for you. I’ll be there, the best friend I’ve always been, the one the world expects me to be. And I will be happy for you, I really will. But somewhere deep inside, a small part of me will break, quietly and permanently.

To those reading this, wondering what tore us apart, there was no scandal, no betrayal. Just life. A slow drift, like autumn leaves parting from the same branch. We were never lovers. Not on paper. Not out loud. Just best friends, everyone said. But I loved you, deeply, quietly, and completely, in a way I never admitted, not even to myself, until you were already gone.

Sometimes I wish you had been mine, even for a moment. Just so the world would understand. Just so I wouldn’t feel like I’m constantly trying to prove that what we had was real. But I know better now, not all stories are meant to be told. And it’s okay. I’ll be your favourite secret.

It took losing you to realise the truth, to notice the emptiness your silence left behind, to recognise the love that had been growing all along. You were the friend everyone loved: shy in crowds, radiant among your people, full of laughter and life. I used to watch you like a lost soul tethered to your light, always drawn to you, always following.

And now, when we speak, I can feel it, the regret in your words, the way your voice falters when you ask, “Will you forget me?”

How could I? You were my whole world for ten years. My anchor when everything else drifted away. You stood by me when no one did, saw me when I was invisible to others, spoke for me when I had no voice of my own.

You broke my heart, yes. But I wouldn’t go back and change a single moment. I’d choose loving you every time. You shaped me in ways no one else ever could. And I see it in you too, how you’ve changed. Quieter now. Distant. Struggling beneath the surface. Just like me, carrying the weight of everything left unsaid.

People tell me I shouldn’t cry at your wedding. They think it’s about sadness, about jealousy. It’s not. It’s the gravity of what we were. The years. The friendship. The unspoken love. I will cry, because I’m sensitive, because I feel, even if most people only see the armour I wear. If you see me cry that day, you’ll know why. Or maybe you won’t.

But if I could ask you one thing, just once, it would be, “Did you love me too?”

I know you said no. I know you denied it. But I also know you lied. Maybe you didn’t realise it then. Maybe you still don’t. And that’s okay. I never needed to have you. I just needed to be seen, to be known. And the moment you denied what I felt so deeply, that was the moment that broke me more than anything else ever could.

But I loved you anyway. Still do, in the way we carry old songs we no longer sing, in the way we hold onto ghosts that once felt like home.

“I live through pictures

As if I was right there by your side

But you'll be good without me

And if I could just give it some time

I'll be alright

…

I hate this part, paper hearts

And I'll hold a piece of yours

Don't think I would just forget about it

Hoping that you won't forget about it”

-Paper Hearts by Tori Kelly